We've all been there. Twenty minutes of bickering and things have only gotten more intense. Voice volume has increased but understanding has decreased. You don't feel heard and are way past the point of listening, definitely no constructive communication happening at this point.
So what can you do differently? Maybe you've both agreed to make changes in the past, but how? When emotions take over, old patterns are hard to break. There are things you can do during the argument that may help the conversation be more productive, and it starts with listening.
Take a break
To truly listen, you may need to calm down first. If things are heated, consider taking a break before discussing it further. Even taking two minutes to breathe and gather your thoughts can make the conversation more focused when you return to it. Make sure you agree to take a break, though, you are not likely to calm down if your partner is walking behind you seeking your attention.
Listen closely
One mistake couples make is believing they "have listened" when in fact all they did was allow the other person time to speak. You can't listen when you are also developing a counter-argument. You aren't listening if you feel like you've "heard it all before." To listen requires full attention to the present moment. Make eye contact. Turn off the TV. Put the phone down. For a period of time, give 100% of your attention to the person you love.
Follow up
After allowing your partner to express their concerns, follow up with clarifying questions. Clarifying questions help you really understand what was expressed, and they allow your partner to feel more confident that you were listening. Examples include, "So what you're saying is…" or "It seems like…" Try not to assume the second part, just summarize what you heard while listening closely.
Respond
After calming down, listening closely, and clarifying what you heard, only then should you respond. When responding, use a softer tone than your partner used. Speak in terms of addressing the problem instead of venting multiple frustrations at once. The goal of conflict in your relationship is to address negative feelings, not create more.
It may seem nearly impossible when tensions are high, but becoming a better listener is the first step toward improving communication in your relationship.
Our connection is more important than being right.
If you and your partner keep landing in the same arguments, couples therapy can help you build new patterns together. Learn about couples therapy →
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