Hard conversations go better when you both know the plan going in. Use these shared goals before, during, and after a difficult talk. Many couples find it helpful to keep this handy, even to read together when things are calm.
Goals for couple communication
- I will look for and then respect my partner's feelings.
- I will ensure my partner's feelings have been fully heard by confirming this with them.
- I will label my own feelings clearly and ask directly for what I need.
- I will avoid judgments of my partner, labels of my partner, and assumptions about my partner's feelings.
- I will remain aware of our deep, loving connection throughout our conversation and remind myself of this connection often.
Our connection is more important than being right, teaching a lesson, or getting the other to do what I want.
When to take a break
Step away when you notice any of these:
- Voices raised after a warning ("I have a hard time hearing you when your voice is loud").
- Your heart rate noticeably increases or your breathing becomes rapid, you notice a physical change in your body.
- You lose the ability to keep the goals in mind, your mind is racing with defensive, demeaning, or blaming thoughts.
How to ask for a break
"I need a time-out for a few minutes. Can we return to this conversation in 15 minutes?"
- Even if you don't feel you need the break, trust that what's best for your partner is best for the conversation, don't judge the need for a break.
- Use the time the same way your partner does, even if you don't feel you need it.
On a break
- Breathe in through your nose deeply, filling your belly, then exhale through your mouth completely, pausing for a few seconds before breathing in again. Repeat at least 10 times.
- Identify your feeling (hurt, sad, frustrated, irritated, angry, undervalued, incompetent, guilty, etc.).
- Identify the need involved (connection, love, comfort, support, romance, safety, security, etc.).
- Identify what you'd like your partner to do ("In the future, I'd appreciate it if you could…" or "It would help me feel ___ if you would…").
- If you slip back into angry or unhelpful thoughts, repeat the breathing.
After 15 minutes, try again, but stay focused only on your feeling, your need, and what you'd like your partner to do (or on listening to your partner's feelings, needs, and the things you can do). Let go of anything outside of that.
After the break
- Both focus on hearing the other's feelings, needs, and direction for the future.
- Let the other person know you understand them.
- Touch or kiss to reconnect if you're both ready and consenting.
- Thank the other person, for listening, opening up, sharing feelings, staying calm, being patient, taking a break, or anything that helped the conversation.
- Take a mental note of your partner's need and the ways you can help them feel more loved.
Want help putting this into practice together? Learn about couples therapy →
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